Today would have been my brother Axel’s earth Birthday. I recently found a letter he wrote to me from jail. He sent five letters out and recieved only one back from me. He wanted to be one with nature and I often dream of being a wild bush woman. I had to giggle, I cannot leave my children like that. When I was in the ninth grade I would imagine leaving everything behind and retreating to the woods and flourishing how our ancestors did. My brother took his own life after retreating to the woods. He lasted two days at our old cabin and returned home just to put a bullet through his head. I vividly remember where the entry wound and exit wound were located. I couldn’t imagine why. So I no longer imagine. I don’t ask God why, because some answers are unanswerable. He was saved through Jesus Christ and I put my faith in God lest my mind plays tricks on itself. There is such a spiritual warfare and it is made easy for influence while under the influence of alcohol or any drug. I struggle every day to quit smoking cigarettes, but everyday I pray for God to help me. It’s a hard addiction for me to break. I gave up alcohol and weed to live a better life, I just wish that also extended to cigarettes. Quit giving in to your own selfish ways, and when you do give in, keep trying to do better. I am very hopeful I will be able to bag a horrible habit. I have already cut down from last year of 15 a day to 5 a day and soon it will be zero a day. If my grandmother, who used to smoke, can do it so can anyone. I love my grandma and hold her so very dear to my heart. Don’t give up hope when you stumble, for hope in Jesus is eternal hope. Encourage each other to do well today. Love and be beloved.
Last November I recieved my first order for slippers. A daughter wanted me to make her mother a pair of seal skin slippers. I told her I would do my best. I do the prayer stitch, literally emitting good prayers and love into the things I make. Good thoughts, good vibes and always made out of love. She worked at the Native hospital and I was going to meet her there. The price was set at 120.00 and when I got to the hospital I had some gas money about 15 dollars. I was waiting in the main lobby and I seen the look I was all to familiar with. A mom followed by her son, pauses near the lobby, she looked at her palm and counted her change and her son looked like he wanted something. I felt my heart sink when she put the change back in her pocket, she didn’t have enough to get her boy something. They started to the stairwell and I just had to give the son some money. I knew a dollar wouldn’t be enough because the vending machines were at least 1.50. I know this hospital well because Duke spent his first 40 days of life in the NICU. I pulled some ones out it was three dollars and I ran after them with the slippers in my hands that I was going to sell. They were almost too far gone up the stairwell when I yelled “hey!” They both turned around and I said to the mom “this is for your son.” She took the small amount of money and smiled and he smiled and I smiled. They were from the YK Delta area. Then I turned around and saw the daughter who was going to buy the slippers I made for her mom. I gave her a hug because I was very proud of her for getting her mother something special. She told me I was very different in person than what she had seen on my posts when I was involved with Facebook, which I gave up for this year. I told her about the slippers and made sure to tell her they were made out of love. Simple acts of kindness, spreading smiles, every day acts of impact that change the hearts of our future leaders. When you follow your heart, and that heart has Jesus, you can make a difference in this world. If it is one smile, you made a difference. Bless and be blessed.
When I was a very little girl I remember my first kite. It was purple with a unicorn on it and it had a string of bows attached to it. I was very proud to have my very own kite so I took it down below the old house near the lake. This was when my Grandma Johnsons house was yellow. I was flying it and I wanted it to go the highest so I kept letting string out. Soon there was no string to give and I panicked. Then it happened, a gust of wind took my new kite away. The first time I flew it, it was gone. I wanted to cry and throw a fit but instead I watched it for as long as I could see it. I imagined it would travel the world and I no longer felt sad. Since that day I always hope for the best in each situation. While a lot of people have taught me goodness, I taught a lot of lessons to myself so young just by using my imagination. Now it’s hard not to let my imagination get the best of me. That same year I cut myself on the wrist on accident. I was bouncing on a stack of plywood. There were nails sticking up on the top area of the boards. I hopped and slipped and yelled and screamed and cried. My left wrist caught the nail and dragged down being stuck deeper and deeper on the nail. My mom heard my screams and she picked me up and ran carrying me to the old house and called the healthaide. This was when the clinic was stationed where the NVU is now. I passed out probably due to loss of blood. They stopped the bleeding and stitched up my wrist. I was a very young girl. I had to stay inside for awhile after that happened and I missed the outdoors, so one morning I decided to make a run for it just so I could play out. I had my favorite deer nightgown on and a pair of tights and I ran to go play out. My mom yelled at me and stopped me in my tracks. I walked back very sad because I knew I had to listen to my mom. There were times if I didn’t listen she would dicipline us. If we cursed, our mouth would get a bar of soap in it, so we did not curse. If my older sister and I were not getting along, we had to spend that day in a big shirt together. I always wanted to be my older sisters friend. I would try my hardest to follow her wherever she went. She was playing with my older cousins when they put a house that was going to be my cousins Bev’s new house in front of the old house. I watched them pound rocks in front of me. I was not understanding why. Then she took some dust and blew it in my eyes. They ran as fast as they could trying to ditch the tag along little sister. Dust in my eye did not stop me from chasing my sister. I just wanted to be a part of the fun. They ran and hid under a staircase at the district office. I found them and then they were mean to me so I went home and tried to crush up my own rocks. The ones I chose to crush up were white and they did not make the dust I needed to get back at my sister and cousins. So I ditched my efforts of revenge and from then on decided not to seek revenge on people just to tell on people who hurt me. My sister got in trouble because I told my mom what she did. See, when I was so young I was becoming the Gertie who is the same Gertie today, but the world devoured me and chewed me and spit me up. That did not change the inner me, but walls were erected as a means to protect myself. When I accepted Jesus those walls were torn down. My foundations of me are foundations of love before and while I invited Jesus into my heart. My brain became more understanding and I saw the world through a forgiving heart. The president of NVU is stepping down from his position willingly. He is forgiven by Jesus because Jesus forgives everyone if they have Him in their heart and to me that is a beautiful thing. You cannot judge people for their mistakes, because everyone makes mistakes. When you accept Jesus into your heart, He forgives you. Without this, when you die your soul will go to hades down below. It is a serious eternal decision and your soul depends on that one factor. Do you have Jesus in your heart?
I remember when I was a very young girl and the playground at the Unalakleet Schools had the big slide and a small slide along with a spider web and two hoops to the basketball court. It was winter and someone told me not to lick the metal otherwise my tongue would get stuck. I didn’t believe them so I tried it, and sure enough my tongue got stuck. After that I had a tendancy to take people for their word. I loved my classmates even if they weren’t my family, they were an every day part of my life during the week while we were in school. After we graduated that first year I was in college we lost the most beautiful classmate. She was amazing and I had very high hopes for her, she was my all star spiker in volleyball and our all star forward. She had moved to Nome to pursue her dreams and that August she was killed in Nome by a Police Officer. It was a beautiful soul taken too soon. I did not understand, I still don’t. I sent her parents a condolence card and framed an enlarged picture of my good group of friends. The next year another classmate passed away. And the next. Another the next year. Then again. And years following another classmate. It got my heart each time. I was cut down to the bone because they were all their own unique person and I always look for the best in people. For years I started to wonder if I was next. Then I started to think of the pain that brought on to their parents and thought how would I cheer them up? Though they died young, they had full beautiful lives. Any pain or inside struggles were no longer there. Death is a part of life. Each day is a gift because we are not promised tomorrow. I get in a fit, I call it daddy’s girl syndrome, if I don’t get what I want I don’t want anything. It’s a horrible frame of mind that developed and I am learning that a lot of times what I want isn’t what God had planned for me. When I follow my own way, I am led astray. When I lead myself astray, I feel no need to live another day. So I am reminded day and day not to lead myself astray. I am always a work in progress, and like I’ve stated in early posts, I’m the best example of what not to do. however, my experiences in life led to a lot of questions answered about life. The problem with my mind is it doesn’t stop asking questions. And that is ok. Every day I make the choice to give my hurt to Jesus. It took a lifetime to realize that I don’t have to live with the hurt. Neither do you. Love and be beloved.
There is the story of the bridge operator and his only son. His job was to raise and lower the bridge over the river so that the train that crossed it had safe passage. His son went with him to work one day. This father loved and adored his one and only son. He was only seven and fascinated with his dad’s work. The bridge operator was alerted when to drop or raise the bridge. His son went close to the bridge and his dad followed behind him. As the father came closer to his son without notice his son fell in a hole. This hole was a dangerous hole because when the bridge was lowered this hole was filled with steel to keep the bridge in place. His father had to work quickly to get his son out of this hole. The boy did not get hurt but he was stuck not knowing the danger he was in. Then the lights started flashing, a train was coming. The father had to choose to let his son live but all the people on the train that was coming would perish. His one and only son or hundreds of men, women and children. Tears started to stream down his fathers face as the boy did not know what was wrong. The father reached for his son but there was no time. He had to make a choice. Across the river he saw the train coming, he looked at his son and he told him he loved him and that everything would be ok. He pushed the button and sacrificed his one and only son so that this train filled with so many people would live another day. This story represents the sacrifice God has made with His one and only son Jesus. He sent the one and only perfect man to come and live and then die only so that others may live. Jesus willingly sacrificed Himself because He was His father in living form. I am thankful each day to be alive, only when I remember the true sacrifice that was made so that I may live, not just on this world, but eternally in heaven. So I have to choose today to be grateful for a life I do not want to endure. We are given the choice every single day to live a life of love or to live a life of death. A life of love is found through Jesus any other life is death. Choose wisely.
The dangers of antidepressants are well known to me. I know they reveal memories to those who are not ready to remember them. God reveals childhood memories that are blocked when it’s time to heal. The chemical interaction in the brain with serotonin that is not natural, is a mimicked happiness that is false. That happiness is found only through Jesus. So, with antidepressants, suicide will be far more prevalent. Man cannot recreate the joy and love of being saved eternally. Depression occurs when a person 1. Doesn’t know Jesus and doesn’t accept Him in their Heart 2. If you have Jesus already and you are depressed it’s because you are following your own selfish desires and not the will of God. The will of God is so simple to understand for me: Love. Above all Love God.
I tried three different antidepressants and the last gave me the inability to cry while on them. Crying is a natural emotion of life that is not meant to be taken away. Tears should never be taken for granted. If you are depressed and on antidepressants it is very important not to stop them suddenly. That is far dangerous than you might think. It will cause a psychotic break that makes the mind feel lost beyond control.
Sometimes it’s hard to be happy in the world that exists today, but each individual is tasked to live the best life they can and the best life is a life with Christ. A life without Jesus is a life of death, purpose is found in Jesus and your heart transforms when you accept Him. It is so very simple to invite Him into your heart.
Thank you for sending your one and only son Jesus Christ, the messiah, Yessuah, the one and only perfect man to walk the earth. Your perfect gift who died for each and every single one of us to wash away our sins and the evil in the world. I willingly accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal Savior. This leap of faith of inviting Christ into my heart I pray to you.
If you said this prayer with your heart I give all the glory to God. You are now a child of God and it will take learning through the Bible. Start with the New Testament and every answer to every question in life is found in the Bible, one only needs to look.
I’ve been hurt the most by the people I loved the most, I try to love everyone the same but that causes so much hurt. I choose everyday to replace that hurt with hope and that is only through Jesus. Because Jesus is my hope and the number one love of my life. Without Him, I would cease to exist. My mom has taught me love, just as your mother has taught you love. I begged my mom while she was alive, to stay alive after her seventh attempt at suicide. She is an alcoholic and alcohol is a tool of the evil one. It affects the entire body except the cochlea. When you drink you are physically pushing out the Holy Spirit. Just as when you smoke weed, the frontal lobe of the brain ceases to function. This is the part of the brain that makes decisions. I was delivered from Alcohol this past November and I was delivered from weed on Christmas Day. It took a lifetime for me to realize I love my life in Christ and any other life is literally death. My mom attempted to stab me and slashed the back of my coat seven times. She came after me with a rifle to shoot me and I restrained her. She was in and out of my life growing up. All this because she was under the influence of alcohol. She can run fast and she is running from her past. Her life was far harder than the life I have had. As a young girl she was raped by a family member. She ran and ran and ran till her little legs gave out beneath her. She cried oh she cried. She saw Jesus Himself that day. He appeared to her. His love for her will never cease. She won’t talk about it. It is beautiful her soul. I will never give up on her and I will give her her hearts desire which is her very own home. I will give that to her if I have to build it with my bare hands. She is still a alcoholic and homeless in my village. I pray and talk to her every day. It was God Himself who told her in a dream that the only way her children will be safe is to dedicate them to God. When her children suffer her heart suffers, that is what she means when she says she wishes she never gave birth to us. It hurts her heart to see us grow up in poverty, but we are humble hearts willing to serve others because we know hard work. That was our lot in life, but we are far blessed beyond measure for we have the heart of our mother who’s heart was touched by Jesus Himself. The one unforgivable sin and there is only one is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. So I do not doubt in the works of our Father for that is unforgivable. I forgive my mom so easily because she is my heart just as Jesus is. Her ways are sinful because she may know Jesus but hasn’t fully accepted Him into her heart. The ways of the world destroy the heart of the innocent and those are the deeds of the evil one who doesn’t deserve any recognition for I do not fear anything other than God Himself. Every single day I subconsciously put on the armor of God, I was always willing to go to battle I just never felt the need to till now. My weapon is love and it is understanding of love that is powerful through Christ. I am the weakest soul but I draw my strength only from Jesus and through Him all things are possible. God is willing to lend his ear to all but He listens to those who don’t ever stop loving Him through trials and tribulations. In order to love Him fully you need to understand love. So when I say love and be beloved, it’s as simple as that.