Happiness is not found in a bottle.

The dangers of antidepressants are well known to me. I know they reveal memories to those who are not ready to remember them. God reveals childhood memories that are blocked when it’s time to heal. The chemical interaction in the brain with serotonin that is not natural, is a mimicked happiness that is false. That happiness is found only through Jesus. So, with antidepressants, suicide will be far more prevalent. Man cannot recreate the joy and love of being saved eternally. Depression occurs when a person 1. Doesn’t know Jesus and doesn’t accept Him in their Heart 2. If you have Jesus already and you are depressed it’s because you are following your own selfish desires and not the will of God. The will of God is so simple to understand for me: Love. Above all Love God.

I tried three different antidepressants and the last gave me the inability to cry while on them. Crying is a natural emotion of life that is not meant to be taken away. Tears should never be taken for granted. If you are depressed and on antidepressants it is very important not to stop them suddenly. That is far dangerous than you might think. It will cause a psychotic break that makes the mind feel lost beyond control.

Sometimes it’s hard to be happy in the world that exists today, but each individual is tasked to live the best life they can and the best life is a life with Christ. A life without Jesus is a life of death, purpose is found in Jesus and your heart transforms when you accept Him. It is so very simple to invite Him into your heart.

Dear God,

Thank you for sending your one and only son Jesus Christ, the messiah, Yessuah, the one and only perfect man to walk the earth. Your perfect gift who died for each and every single one of us to wash away our sins and the evil in the world. I willingly accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal Savior. This leap of faith of inviting Christ into my heart I pray to you.

Amen

If you said this prayer with your heart I give all the glory to God. You are now a child of God and it will take learning through the Bible. Start with the New Testament and every answer to every question in life is found in the Bible, one only needs to look.

My Mother’s Love

IMG_0492I’ve been hurt the most by the people I loved the most, I try to love everyone the same but that causes so much hurt. I choose everyday to replace that hurt with hope and that is only through Jesus. Because Jesus is my hope and the number one love of my life. Without Him, I would cease to exist. My mom has taught me love, just as your mother has taught you love. I begged my mom while she was alive, to stay alive after her seventh attempt at suicide. She is an alcoholic and alcohol is a tool of the evil one. It affects the entire body except the cochlea. When you drink you are physically pushing out the Holy Spirit. Just as when you smoke weed, the frontal lobe of the brain ceases to function. This is the part of the brain that makes decisions. I was delivered from Alcohol this past November and I was delivered from weed on Christmas Day. It took a lifetime for me to realize I love my life in Christ and any other life is literally death. My mom attempted to stab me and slashed the back of my coat seven times. She came after me with a rifle to shoot me and I restrained her. She was in and out of my life growing up. All this because she was under the influence of alcohol. She can run fast and she is running from her past. Her life was far harder than the life I have had. As a young girl she was raped by a family member. She ran and ran and ran till her little legs gave out beneath her. She cried oh she cried. She saw Jesus Himself that day. He appeared to her. His love for her will never cease. She won’t talk about it. It is beautiful her soul. I will never give up on her and I will give her her hearts desire which is her very own home. I will give that to her if I have to build it with my bare hands. She is still a alcoholic and homeless in my village. I pray and talk to her every day. It was God Himself who told her in a dream that the only way her children will be safe is to dedicate them to God. When her children suffer her heart suffers, that is what she means when she says she wishes she never gave birth to us. It hurts her heart to see us grow up in poverty, but we are humble hearts willing to serve others because we know hard work. That was our lot in life, but we are far blessed beyond measure for we have the heart of our mother who’s heart was touched by Jesus Himself. The one unforgivable sin and there is only one is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. So I do not doubt in the works of our Father for that is unforgivable. I forgive my mom so easily because she is my heart just as Jesus is. Her ways are sinful because she may know Jesus but hasn’t fully accepted Him into her heart. The ways of the world destroy the heart of the innocent and those are the deeds of the evil one who doesn’t deserve any recognition for I do not fear anything other than God Himself. Every single day I subconsciously put on the armor of God, I was always willing to go to battle I just never felt the need to till now. My weapon is love and it is understanding of love that is powerful through Christ. I am the weakest soul but I draw my strength only from Jesus and through Him all things are possible. God is willing to lend his ear to all but He listens to those who don’t ever stop loving Him through trials and tribulations. In order to love Him fully you need to understand love. So when I say love and be beloved, it’s as simple as that.

Sweet song of a chickadee.

I spent every other weekend in High School traveling to a different village. Our sports teams use our School Districts personal plane for travel. I enjoyed traveling to different villages and always met wonderful people. A lot of natives have a certain addiction to soda pop. There was a basketball tournament in Tanana, Alaska and the classroom our team was staying in had a livestream video from the gymnasium. I was trying my best to make impossible shots from way beyond the three point line. Shots I’ve seen one of my favorite basketball players from an adult tournament in Unalakleet called the jamboree make in game winning manner. I had a lot of favorite players and loved to observe each one. I was thirsty so I went to the soda pop machine and bought one Hawaiian Punch and one Sprite. I didn’t know that my team was watching me through the video footage and they witnessss me drink both cans back to back thinking they were both soda pops. Unhealthy I am sure but what happened next was a fiasco. The senior girls, which most except my cousin, were mean willed toward me, played a prank on me. They put a sign on the soda pop machine and it said “if you see Gertie Johnson with a soda in her hand take it away. She is not allowed to have pop.” It was a cause for concern because some adults thought I was a severe diabetic or something having to do with health issues. I laughed it off and let my one senior friend take a picture of me next to the Gertie sign. It was made very clear who Gertie was but the reasoning behind a simple joke was unfounded. Certain aspects where I failed in my values are where I struggle most. But where I struggle and through my struggles Jesus has a plan. Not just for me, for every single one of you. We are tasked to be beaming rays of love, so consuming everyone wants it and they ask about it and in turn accept the love of Jesus. God does the work, we are simply the workers. We get what we give out as far as matters of the heart go. We go through what we are capable of, so if you had a very tough upbringing or your adult life has more rough patches than you can count, God has a plan for you beyond great measure. A testimony is the life you lived before you were saved, the life while saved and every struggle had reason. When my brother commited suicide I ran into the woods and fell to my knees crying. It’s as if my tears were melting the snow around me. I was yelling and screaming “why” why why why. My heart could not take it. Then I heard it clear as day “only God knows why” I was tasked to not ask questions I’m not going to get the answers to. So I stopped asking why. Then the chickadees came and surrounded me and sang a beautiful song. I knew I had to be strong. My family would need me as much as I need them. He is a constant on my mind, how can he not be. But I remember him in love, the same love I miss my older sons with while they are at school in Ohio. Don’t give up on your story, make it beautiful through Christ because that is the only happy ending. God has a plan for you. The baby I begged for to fill a void in my heart is my son Duke. Love and be beloved. IMG_3813

Where the white fern grew.

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Where the white fern grew.
One of my favorite things to gather in the spring are fiddleheads. Those are the unfurled ferns of the forest. It is important to blanch the fiddleheads before consumption because a natural toxin is removed through this process. The taste is reminiscent of asparagus and the nutrient value is very good. Bears will overindulge sometimes on this raw green and in turn die. When the fiddlehead unfurls it becomes a fern free to dance and sway in the wind with no worries of being plucked because the fern itself is inedible. I love to sauté the fiddleheads after being blanched. I use butter and garlic salt. I started pickling some and I found my new favorite way to store them for winter. This past fall Duke and I found this white fern. I was in astonishment. It’s season was over and winter was around the corner so I plucked it and kept it until it faded into brown. This was the only white fern I have ever seen. I was amazed and always will be thankful to God for all of His creations.

9/10 but the odds will always be in our favor.

IMG_6990The statistics aren’t favorable when we look at sheer numbers. 9 out of 10 people in this world do not know Jesus. All the more opportunity to continue that what others before us were so passionate about and that is being an example of love, extending that love to everyone and allowing those people to choose for themselves to make Jesus a part of their heart. It is all out of love and not fear where He truly shines. I met a young man from down south from the Georgia straight area of America back when I was a host for my ex husbands company. I would put together BBQs and we would invite his friends over. We were out back on the small deck grilling and Jesus became a part of the conversation. One of the young men was an atheist, the gentleman from down south was a Christian and I was an Eskimo with a different view of God and Jesus. I simply told them that the way I see it is so very simple. God sent Jesus to be a gift (sacrifice) to all man kind and we are forgiven of past, present and future sins. Our main goal is to be love. When Jesus is welcomed into the heart of a man, it’s Jesus who gets a perspective of this world through your heart because He became a part of it. The southern drawl on this lad was super cool to me. He looked at me and smiled and exclaimed “not once have I ever had a conversation about Jesus that didn’t end in a fist fight until now.” I was taken back not understanding what he meant. Apparently religion, which is not the same as being saved, is preached down south. To the point where people are fighting to be correct about Jesus who is nothing but love. It didn’t make sense to me. The rest of the BBQ went great. Bellies were made full right along with the heart and who can be happier than to feel a good love in both the body and the soul. I love to meet new people because when I hear stories from others it only broadens my horizons so that we can make way for a new Verizon. The world is being consumed by darkness but it is going to stop. When the light that we have in our hearts shines in unison it is brighter than the morning star. Only because it is the morning star emplified. Hope is not lost, it never will be. Love and be beloved.

A play called Red.

I grew up in an isolated village in “bush” Alaska called Unalakleet. To lead a healthy life in High School I participated in Volleyball, Cross-country running and Basketball. Every day, except on Sundays, the school opens the gym for recreation. I loved being active. A lot of girls on the basketball team were mean to me but that did not stop me from trying my hardest. The ones who thought they were better than everyone did not try to make others better instead they made fun of girls like me. I gave up basketball in middle school because of misconduct so I wasn’t as talented as the girls who spent a lot of time in the gym. My determination to be the best I can be led me to “good sportsmanship” awards at the state basketball tournaments. When the older girls that were mean to me graduated I blossomed in basketball. Not so much my offensive skills but my defense skills were unmatched. I was a fierce defender and always encouraged girls who others were not nice to, to keep at it. My coach was also my teacher, youth pastor and later in life my College Professor. He made up a play called “Red.” This play was made specifically for me. It was only used as a last resort if we were loosing by a few points in the end of a game. My four team mates positioned themselves in each area of the corner of the key and guarded that area. My job was to be on the ball, no matter who had the ball, I followed the ball and did what I was best at, defense. Our coach always told us offense wins games and defense wins championships. We didn’t win a State Championship but every year we made it to the state level. It was a bigger court and we had to work very hard as a team. I always kept in my heart that there is no I in team. Perception of the game instills ethics in life subconsciously, as a coach you are tasked 1. Don’t take the love out of the game it is not about winning it is about having fun and competing in a healthy manner 2. don’t ever tell a team they are better than the next because when a game is started it’s the same playing field 3. Build a team up in unison and they will respect and love each other, not one player is better than the other but there are people with natural born talent, use it.

We learn a lot from the people we grow up with or at least I take the best of each person I know and apply that to my life. I like to see the very best in people and when you stop looking for faults in people, your mind heals and your heart grows. Be nice to children and always encourage them. Life is not a sport it is a gift and we all should treat it as such. Bless and be blessed.

Magnets

IMG_6504Last month, after I went to Soldotna to see my sister, I was praying on my way home for God to open doors. I wasn’t specific I meant doors of opportunity. Anyway, I was tasked to go pray at the Alaska Native Medical Center. I walked through the halls of the hospital on a Sunday and there was a mini church service in a meeting room by the Quyana Care wing, lovely singing. I paused for a moment to listen and my heart was happy. I brought with me my Bible, my sewing tin and a stuffed ducky from my sister that was meant for Duke, but she also gave him a lion and he would be happy with that. Duke was at the cabin with his dad. I knew I had to go up to the second floor “meditation” room I called it the prayer room. I walked up and tried to open the door. My heart sank, it was locked. I was infuriated because who would lock his special place? Where mother’s pleaded to God for their children, father’s prayed for their mother’s and where I begged God to save my brother Axel the first time he tried to commit suicide. His brain stem was decaying after he hung himself in Unalakleet. My cousin Ginger brought us the news, when she did I asked her “Doesn’t God make miracles happen?” And she looked me in the eyes and told me yes and I believed her. I went to this same prayer room that was now locked and pleaded to God for my brothers life. He pulled through miraculously. He commited suicide three months later. My world shattered and Jesus is still piecing it together. So you see, even to me, this prayer room meant a lot to me. So I walked up to the desk on the second floor, I asked the lady nicely to have security come and open the door to the meditation room. Then, THEN I asked her in a stern voice of authority “who locked this room and why?” She didn’t have the answers to my questions, but she said she would ask her supervisor. I went back to the common area where there was a display case with hand made grass baskets. I love to look at all the intricate handiwork at the Native Hospital. I am in awe every time and the two that I was drawn to were made by women from Hooper Bay. I have been there before and will return one day. The security guard came and I heard him talking with the lady at the desk. He opened the door and I politely thanked him. I told him that this door shouldn’t be locked, because most people won’t bother to ask for it to be opened. I went in and read my Bible and sang songs on my heart. Then I prayed to God at the alter and Thanked Him and loved Him. I let go of the hurt and the pain from my brothers death. And I sang for Him to create in me a clean heart and I pray that every day. Doors were opened.

I took my grocery bag of my sewing tin and the stuffed ducky and held my Bible close to my chest and proceeded to the main lobby of the hospital on the first floor. This lobby is circle with seating in the area in the shape of a circle where our people can drum and dance our native way. I had to go sit and listen. There was a elder couple sitting on one bench and that is where I sat. I started sewing my sealskin mitten ornament. Wow how I enjoyed each song and dance. There were two boys to the left of me, one playing on the floor by himself and a younger son with his dad who was drumming sitting on one of the inner benches. The women dancing made me smile, they were beautiful and dancing their heart out. My foot tapped along with the drum and I’m sure my head was bobbing while I was sewing. This group was from Kotlik area and they made my heart overflow with joy. I have relatives all over Alaska and no matter how distant, I will love them just the same. A man tapped me on my shoulder and asked what I was working on. He asked where I was from and I told him Unalakleet. He knew one of my Aunts who passed away from cancer. He had lost his wife six years prior. I listened to his story of hurt and he said “sometimes around the holidays it’s hard because we miss those who are gone, sometimes it’s hard to let go” and I told him “no, it is easy. You just have to remember that they are in a better place and they no longer live in pain and suffering.” He smiled at me and I smiled back. He wanted to say goodbye to my aunt but her daughter didn’t allow it. He loved her and just wanted to say goodbye. I told him to stay strong.

After we were done talking I had to go sit by the boy playing by himself on the floor. I asked him what he was doing. He had an awesome set of magnetic toys in the shape of squares and triangles. I was so fascinated and he wanted to show me something cool. He laid out a pattern and slowly and ever so gently the magnets linked together to form a sphere. I was in awe and thought it was an awesome toy. I loved magnets as a kid, but we didn’t have anything this cool. The younger boy by his dad was watching us. He didn’t have a toy and I asked him what his name was. Quinton. I was heading back to the cabin soon I told them both. The older boy looked sad I was going but I told him not to be sad and that it would soon be Christmas and he smiled. I explained that I had a son waiting for me at home. I gathered my sewing tin and Bible and gave the yellow stuffed Ducky to Quinton and wished them both an early Merry Christmas. My heart was overfilled with joy. Simple acts of kindness, making our future leaders smile.

Be a magnet by following your heart. It is made beautiful fully when you accept Jesus into your heart. Without Him in your heart there is pain and suffering, or if you have Him in your heart and are running in shame turn around and embrace Him. There is no need to run in shame, He washes the shame away. Your story has a purpose. You can change the world. Jesus wants YOU! Love and be beloved.