Be careful what you sow, and you better be able to reap it. Love evolves love. This is in part a book of hurt, but with hurt and pain comes healing and forgiveness; and that is a beautiful thing.
It started with a dream my mom had. She was told in her dream to dedicate her five children to God. She had us dedicated to the Unalakleet Covenant Church and sent us to Sunday School each weekend. I didn’t mind because of all the crafts we could do. This was when the basement of the church had sliding panels to make different classes. I liked looking out the basement windows because it was so cool to me to be able to see the view of outside from so low. I enjoyed it.
My middle school years were like my rebellion years. Very mischief group of girls I rolled with, but the way I see it, is I got to be a part of something. In the summer there was always a way for us to go to the Unalakleet Covenant Bible Camp, our week away from camping to go camping. I loved the trails of camp, they were well worn and I could run fast through the woods.
I drank for the first time after my eighth grade year. I was the reason we got caught because I tried to do the dishes and the water overflowed and made a mess into the cupboards and onto the floor of the old house. Now, my mom knew how to punish us and it worked. My older sister and I spent that entire summer indoors. Our cousin from Utah came up that summer and we weren’t allowed to go play out because of our actions.
I strived to do my best in High School because I knew my grades in middle school wouldn’t affect my high school grade point average. I knew that if I wanted a higher education I had to work for my scholarships. My freshman year I whole-heartedly accepted Jesus into my heart. I got a taste of Him through Sunday school and Bible Camp and I knew I loved Him. I was willing to give up the ways of the world to me and that was my basketball card collection and CDs from Colombia House and BMG. I bagged up my belongings and took them to the dumpster.
The best part of being a young Christian is the excitement I found in having Jesus in my heart, that led to a lot of opportunities. I went to a youth convention that year in Anchorage with my aunt Jean and our youth group. I remember it like it was yesterday because all my memories are like that. We went to worship at Abbott Church and I was taken back at all the young people gathering together to worship. It was powerful. We were blessed to be in God’s house singing to Him in adoration. I love to adore my God by simply enjoying nature.
There was another trip we went on that year to Shaktoolik. It was a Spirit filled trip. I was baptized in the shallow Shaktoolik river by Pastor Dotomain. Him and his wife were blessings in more ways than we will ever know. After those called to be baptized were, we went to worship at the Assembly of God Church. It was the one and only time I spoke in tongues. Sounds I’ve never heard or knew I was capable of making flowed from my mouth without control. I was frightened, a good fear. In middle school I paid very close attention to the unforgivable sin, Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. I knew not to question God in His works and wonders.
My Freshman and Sophomore year I maintained my 4.0 GPA. I did a stint of confirmation but got too busy to finish. I enjoyed a lot of one time programs through the Covenant Church in the summer. Including the Upriver Uplook Canoe Trip and Christ’s Own REvolution (CORE) trip. I was totally in love with Jesus and on fire for God.
My idea of being perfect was my own undoing. Later I would realize that Jesus doesn’t ask us to be perfect. He simply asks us to do our best in loving Him and in turn loving others. My junior year of High School I received my first B. I begged my Physics teacher for extra work, anything that would help me get an A. I was denied that opportunity and I walked home crying. I felt as if I wouldn’t get my scholarships for a higher education. No one understood me. It was silly to let a B change my way of thinking in a way of I no longer cared. I kept at it getting all As besides the Bs I would receive in that class.
One summer in High School I was able to be a part of a Missionary Trip that took place in the rural villages of Alaska. Hooper Bay, Scammon Bay, Mountain Village, Shaktoolik and Unalakleet. I met a single mother in Mountain Village with the last name Bean. I met her through her children who I love and they brought me to their home. A trailer mobile home, that was still to me, better housing than what I grew up in. I liked looking at the knick knacks the mom had saved that her children made. There was a struggle I saw in her that felt familiar. I prayed with her and her children and left their home with a sense of love and it made my heart happy. I liked talking to people who other’s overlooked. A simple smile or compliment. A simple act that can change one’s outlook on life.
In Scammon Bay I was in awe of the hill of rocks that seemed so close to the village, I wanted to climb to the top and jump from rock to rock. We played basketball with the youth and shared our love for Jesus. I stayed at the Mute’s home in Anna’s room and ate Musk Ox for the first time and only time in my life. It was a rich dark meat that reminded me of meat we eat at home, only more powerful. More filling. I love Yupik’s just like I love all our indigenous nations. That love extends to all nations of the earth. That is what Jesus told us to do, accept and love all.
I’ve stumbled time and time again in my life. I like to say I’m the best example of what not to do. There was one constant in my life I’ve had since the ninth grade and that is the love I have for God. Who sent His son Jesus to die for us all. I call it the love blood of Jesus. The most powerful thing in existence. A mother’s love will change the world.
I was told I’m a good writer but I just like to get what is off my chest and my mind just to try to make sense of things. I wrote letters to God my whole life, writing a prayer, reading it twice, something to look back on and willingly receiving His grace time and time again. The things I did not understand took time to make known the Truth. Jesus is the truth, the way and the life.
I ran, I ran in shame not wanting to give my burdens to God. He had enough on His plate and I felt unworthy because that is what we all are.. Unworthy. But given life by the Grace of God that is Jesus.
In Shaktoolik I talked with a gentleman who witnessed the suicide of his best friend. A testimony all in itself of how the evil ones seeks to destroy our people. By stealing hope, by lies told by non believers, tricks of the ugly one who doesn’t deserve any recognition but was overcame by the blood of Jesus. We are all set free, we all have free will. Jesus is Hope and Love and it is the best life, no matter what walk of life you come from, choosing Him is the best thing I’ve done for myself. The only thing that will save you from the depths of despair. A choice that has everlasting effects. It is never too late to repent and accept Jesus when you are alive, but without this, when you die YOU will go to Hell. There is no question about that because He clearly states that. John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
Dear God, Thank you for sending your son Jesus to be the ultimate sacrifice, the perfect example of love, my everything. I am nothing without Him. I am capable of anything through Him. Three waves of love will wash over the earth giving three chances for you to accept the Truth. There is only salvation through Jesus, the perfect gift to mankind. Cultures around the world know Him without knowing His name. We now know that name and that is Jesus. Holy Spirit I invite you, use me I come before the Trinity Humbled and Willing. Amen!