A look can change an outlook.

Recently my aunt Jean prayed for the spirit of poverty and the spirit of authority to leave me. I love to pray with my aunt. She is a warrior. She had made tacos and it was the first time Duke and I were around people besides on Thanksgiving for three long months. I got the cabin fever really bad. She asked me to pray and I stood up straight and I was going to pray really good in my mind so I took a deep breath in and exhaled and started “Dear heavenly Fadder” the words slipped up at father and we both started laughing and giggling I had only been around my two year old and was fumbling my words for a serious prayer and of course my Aunt finished the prayer and we ate the most delicious tacos. Her daughter was one of the classmates our class lost and I know she is in a far better place. Her very own daughter led her to Jesus and my Aunt was my first youth pastor who’s ministry led me to fully accept Jesus. Jesus is awesome!

I had to beg my mom not to sue the Covenant Church. The summer of my junior year I met the woodcutters son while at Vision Camp. This was when I was a babysitter and I was smitten. His dad took his son to keep him out of trouble but trouble will follow the troubled. He said it wouldn’t count and I told him I was saving my virginity for marriage. He said I could still save it and that he wouldn’t go in. I believed him. That happened twice at Bible Camp and I knew I failed in my vows so it happened a third time at the old house I grew up in and we used a condom. I gave him my virginity and I became pregnant.

This woodcutters son had already knocked up a girl in Minnesota where he was from and she had an abortion. He asked me to do the same. That is against what I believe in so I would never be able to do that. I fell in love with my son a couple years back up at our cabin when I picked out his name with my brothers and sisters. I started praying for my future children and future husband in the ninth grade.

After I found out I was pregnant I left the village to go babysit for my cousin who was going to nursing school. I didn’t want to be the topic of gossip in the town. I went to a retreat that fall in Talkeetna and my old basketball coach and his wife took me for a walk. They wanted to know if it was true, did I get knocked up at Bible camp? Yes, and without hearing anything other than that my youth pastor and teacher gave me a look of disgust that shattered my spirit. I felt that I was no longer good enough to serve my God. He walked away in anger and his wife followed him. This same pastor told me this past November that I cannot rely on faith alone. I replied that it is only by faith that has got me this far in life. Because although I wasn’t good enough for man in man’s eyes, I’ve been serving the Lord my whole life, through every day acts of kindness and love. I’ve been a Children’s Minister my whole life and I didn’t know it, by spreading hope to those who felt hopeless and showing love where no one was shown love. I may have led a sinful life because I was following my way but I was making differences in the lives of the people I partied with and got to know. The lows of the lows who in my eyes have the heart and have the faith. Maybe they were just made to beleive that in the eyes of man they were not good enough. We are all good enough and the devil will use to weak to destroy the spirit of a child. Jesus is the one who heals and forgives. He laid out my life before the time of creation, He chose me to be His child of God and no man will ever tell me otherwise, for by faith and faith alone I have been carried by Jesus through my struggles and hardships and to cast judgment on others is a sin. But how dare anyone make me doubt my faith because my faith is what keeps me alive and it’s what keeps me breathing. Without Jesus in my life I would drop dead and cease to exist. Jesus doesn’t need me I need Jesus and it has always been that way. But there is so much darkness in the world that He is calling his warriors to stand up and rise and to spread hope and love. Consuming light. Be a candle, then be a lamppost, then be a lighthouse and soon darkness will cease to exist. Walk in faith and remain steadfast. Love and be Love. only look to Jesus for the way of man is weakness and when your weakness isn’t given to God or you do not use Jesus for strength than that is not Jesus for Mans way is not Jesus way. The rules to be followed in life are the rules of Jesus and He wants us to Love Him and God above all. Do that and all else will follow. Amen.

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Sewskimo Gertz

I am who I am

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