Today would have been my brother Axel’s earth Birthday. I recently found a letter he wrote to me from jail. He sent five letters out and recieved only one back from me. He wanted to be one with nature and I often dream of being a wild bush woman. I had to giggle, I cannot leave my children like that. When I was in the ninth grade I would imagine leaving everything behind and retreating to the woods and flourishing how our ancestors did. My brother took his own life after retreating to the woods. He lasted two days at our old cabin and returned home just to put a bullet through his head. I vividly remember where the entry wound and exit wound were located. I couldn’t imagine why. So I no longer imagine. I don’t ask God why, because some answers are unanswerable. He was saved through Jesus Christ and I put my faith in God lest my mind plays tricks on itself. There is such a spiritual warfare and it is made easy for influence while under the influence of alcohol or any drug. I struggle every day to quit smoking cigarettes, but everyday I pray for God to help me. It’s a hard addiction for me to break. I gave up alcohol and weed to live a better life, I just wish that also extended to cigarettes. Quit giving in to your own selfish ways, and when you do give in, keep trying to do better. I am very hopeful I will be able to bag a horrible habit. I have already cut down from last year of 15 a day to 5 a day and soon it will be zero a day. If my grandmother, who used to smoke, can do it so can anyone. I love my grandma and hold her so very dear to my heart. Don’t give up hope when you stumble, for hope in Jesus is eternal hope. Encourage each other to do well today. Love and be beloved.

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